An Essay in the Defense of the Notion of Marriage

I am not overly proud of the devastation the loss of my wife has wreaked upon me. It seems, some days, that I have been wounded, simply and unstoppably, and that I may never heal from the grief. I have no doubt, none at all, that her mark upon my life is profound, and that I will value nothing higher than her affection towards me, not in the rest of my years.

I made a promise to her, on her deathbed. I vowed, to my love, my greatest friend, that I would never remarry. I made certain to her that I would never hold another in my heart as I have held her. I will keep that promise, as my marriage, the vows I took with her, are so important to me as to overshadow any of the rest of my life's work.

I understand, now, how love can take a man unawares - how he may lose his life, his mind, to another. I do not believe I had a choice in my emotions; however, had I made a choice, I would have not made one different.

Now I digress, momentarily, from the beginning of this essay. The passage of Proposition 8, in the state of California - among other state-wide referendums, in a variety of locations - drew quite increased publicity on the issue of marriage.

I will freely admit that I, myself, have hardly ever given thought to whether those in homosexual relationships desire marriage. Perhaps my own assured future, with a wife and the tantalizing possibility of children, blinded me to the cause of others. It is no matter - once awareness has been achieved, ignorance is no longer an excuse in a position on such an important issue.

As much as a year ago, I may have spoken in defense of religiously-defined marriage, though my own predilections have led me far from the church. It seems correct and logical that marriage is between a man and a woman. Likewise, it is easy to point towards history and claim backing for your position.

For the opposite side, it is similarly easy to shatter the idealistic, family-oriented fiction that anti-gay marriage activists have portrayed. Then, it is a trivial matter to point out divorce rates, to note that not all marriages produce children, and to show statistic after statistic to support the declining immutability of the nuclear family structure.

Every one of these points is in the wrong. Do we base an institution - a covenant - on a convenient fiction, and on the sole basis of reproduction? Contrariwise, do we change that same institution on the flimsy hypothesis that society has already changed it for us? No, these logical arguments leave much to be desired. Instead, we must reach towards a simpler, more universal truth, for the answer to this dilemma.

I have spoken of love, and how highly I regarded my Martha. I have spoken of my helplessness in the face of my emotions towards her. She has requested of me a promise that I never marry again; I do not know if, later in my years, I will regret that decision, or if I will regret breaking that decision. I am aware enough to know that I may love again, though likewise aware enough to know that no other will ever quite live up to my first.

One tenet I hold true: each human on this world knows when they touch an emotion that is so stirring, so deeply held, that it may not be dislodged. In America's last years as a British colony, that feeling was the need for freedom, the drive in all men to break the chains binding them to unfair and illegal authority and choose their fate themselves.

Today, that feeling is love.

Queer men and women may fall in love. They may feel as deeply as we do, as strongly, as all-powerfully. On behalf of myself, and on the others who were as blind as I, you have my deepest regrets, my sincerest apology for my ignorance. If you have the same love as I have, then you have the same right as I have to express that love.

Expression of love is not found in visitation rights at a hospital, or at inheritance laws - though both of these, in terms of equal rights, may not be dropped by the wayside. Expression of love, and equality in expression of love, is found in marriage itself.

I write this essay not to defend the ordinary definition of marriage, as one man and one woman, but to defend what has become, in our world hurtling through a modern age, a physical and legal representation of an emotion as timeless as a soul.

Intolerance may have held victory, this past November, but it will not always be so, and that day is coming soon. We will take that much more of a step - perhaps small, on the face of it - towards true equality, true liberty; indeed, towards the true essence of the founding of this country. The process is inexorable, and the best men and women of this country do not lament that fact but applaud it.

Signed: Thomas Jefferson